Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Letter from Cousin Peanut

Dear Crazy Uncle Jess,

This here is your Cousin Peanut.
We have been enjoyin' the fire out of your Inferno Jelly! I just finished a peanut butter an' Inferno Jelly sandwich. Do we ever go through milk when we eat one of them things.

My buddy Junebug Jones an' I was sittin' out on the porch the other day eatin' some of your jelly on biscuits. We was laughin' about how dang hot it can be an' what we could do with it.

Junebug got this funny grin on his face an' asked if I wanted to do some bull-slappin'. You know how it goes; You jump into a paddock where a big ol' bull is, sneak up on him an' slap him in the backside an' run like crazy. He bet me ten dollars he could slap the big ol' Angus bull we have an' I could not. I took that bet 'cause I knew that bull was as gentle as a puppy dog.

I went in the house to get my shoes on. When I came out he had a fly swat in his hand an' said he was gonna swat that bull with that there swat. I thought, "Big deal, that ain't nothin'"

He climbed the fence, snuck up on that bull and whacked him on the backside with that flyswat.

That ol' bull raised his head, looked 'round an' got this funny look on his face. He then commenced to snortin', squallin' an' runnin' round that paddock like he was crazy. He jumped, danced an' scooted his ol' backside like a pupdog. I ain't never seen anything like it. He carried on for nearly an hour!

Then Junebug told me he rubbed some of your Inferno Jelly on that flyswat. No wonder that bull was going on like that. Junebug would be scootin' an' squallin' too if he had been swatted with that wonderful stuff. I cussed him a while for wastin' good jelly.

Finally we noticed that bull lookin' right mean at us. We ran as fast as we could but he came through the fence an' right at the porch. Things flew all over the place an' that wonderful jar of Inferno Jelly fell into my pet hog's bed. You remember Roscoe, my pet hog? He has really grown big. I can't get him in the front seat of the truck anymore. I bet he weighs near a thousand pounds.

Anyway, we got that dang bull into the paddock, rinsed his backside off an' got him cooled down. I told Junebug he didn't win no bet an' he had near killed that big ol' bull. He sat for hours in the creek.

What I didn't know was that my hog Roscoe had done ate every drop of that Crazy Uncle Jester's Inferno Jelly. He had even licked the jar clean. (I can send it back to you an' you can refill it without even washin' it.). We finally saw the jar an' stood waitin' for Roscoe to commence carryin' on like the bull did.

He never moved a muscle. He just stood there. After a while I noticed he was gettin' sort of red... them brown. Finally he started steamin'! I went over an' touched him an' burned my finger. 'Course I put that burned finger in my mouth.

It tasted wonderful, spicy, hot an' like bacon. I realized that Inferno Jelly had cooked that ol' hog from the inside out.

We slid a couple planks under the hog an' carried it up on the porch, called some buddies an' had some of the best barbecue pork, marinated an' cooked from the inside out by Crazy Uncle Jester's Inferno Jelly.

Just thought you would want to know.
Your Cousin,
Peanut Chappell

No comments: