Monday, May 16, 2005

Wheezer Jenkins

Don't know if I ever told y'all about Wheezer Jenkins.  She is the only British subject livin' in Beloved, Kentucky.  Wheezer is a short an' very proper lady with platinum hair cut right short an' them glasses folks wear after they have cataracts - you know the ones...look like she is lookin' through auto headlights.  Wheezer's real name is Lydia.  Her Mama named her after that song "Lydia the Tattooed Lady".  Now Wheezer don't have no tattoos, she was just named after that song.

Wheezer married Billy Joe Jenkins, the yodeling champion of the continental United States when he was a visitin' her hometown of Brighton, England years back.  There is this big ol' theater sort of thing there, used to be the king's stables or such an' was turned into a theater.  Billy Joe felt right at home there an' gave the performance or his life.  It was certain there would be plenty of ladies sittin' an' waitin' for him at the stage door when he finished.  Lydia was sitting right there an' caught his eye.  The rest is history as they say in the news.

When Billy Joe returned to the states he brought Lydia with him an' they lived pretty happily for years.  Billy Joe continued to go round the country with his tour bus and his band, "Billy Joe Jenkins and the Yodellin' Mountain Boys".  It was good times an' Lydia travelled with him for many many happy weeks, months an' years.  Billy Joe came out with seventeen 45 rpm records an' two albums.  Several of his singles made it to the top ten on the country and western hit list.  At one point in time Billy Joe had a pair of hand made cowboy boots made for him in San Antonio, Texas out of gila monster hide an' rattlesnake skin spellin' out "Yodelin' Billy Joe" right there on the boots.

Everyone in Beloved, Kentucky knew that true love was in the Jenkins home.  Lydia just was plumb crazy about Billy Joe an' he thought the moon rose an' set on Lydia.  they tried for years to have youngin's but it just never happened.  Lydia even went over to a witchy woman name of Lucinda Nutt.  Lucinda Nutt was the widow of Henry Kay Nutt, famous moonshiner an' ne'er do well who made shine for years up on Rattlesnake Ridge.  Henry Kay thought no one would ever be brave enough to go up on Rattlesnake Ridge lookin' for moonshine stills.  He was wrong an' got kilt for it.

Anyway, Lydia went over to Lucinda Nutt an' even got a potion to get her in the family way.  It didn't never work.  That was the one sadness in the life of Billy Joe Jenkins an' Lydia.

Billy Joe gave Lydia the nickname of Wheezer when he found out she could play the Welsh knee accordion.  It was somethin' like a cross between a squeezebox an' bagpipes.  The instrument was attached to each knee with braided horsehair belts.  Each knee belt had shiny silver buckles that just flashed in the light as the instrument was played.

One day Billy Joe was yodelin' an' practicin' some new tunes.  Lydia got out her Welsh knee accordion an' commenced to playin'.  Billy Joe was just taken by the sweet music comin' from out of that thing an' just shut up an let Lydia play.  When she was done, Billy Joe said, "you're a regular Wheezer with that thing."  The pet name stuck an' everyone in Beloved, Kentucky started callin' Lydia "Wheezer".

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